Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing
EMDR is an intense therapy used to treat past traumas. Especially trauma that wasn’t dealt with at the time. I’ve been doing it for over a year. I have processed many traumas and I am working on my childhood and teen years now. The last of my traumas on the list that I know of now. You see, things come up that are loaded with emotion that we didn’t even know we were holding on to.
How it works. My therapist and I identify the trauma, my negative cognition about the event(s), and the positive cognition I wish to eventually associate with the trauma. My therapist has a light bar with a remote, it is similar in looks to a soundbar. The lights on the bar go in a straight line from right to left and back again. Thinking of the trauma I watch the light bar for many seconds. Then my therapist and I discuss what came up. Then repeat. They don’t actually know why it works. One theory is that by watching the lights we are using both sides of the brain.
As a patient I can only give you my perspective. Like I said I have processed several traumas and felt the accompanying lightheartedness. I know it works even if I don’t know why. Watching those lights, with the trauma in mind takes me back to the event. I feel exactly how I felt during the trauma. Only this time I’m in a safe place where I can express myself. While experiencing this trauma again I’m with someone, my therapist, who has the ability to talk me through it. I’m able to process the trauma in a healthy way so that I can let it go.
Things come up that you wouldn’t believe. Knowing I’m going to process a specific trauma I try before my appointment to access the trauma and think about it. I am always amazed at how little I can access the trauma until I look at those lights. Two weeks ago, I went in knowing that we were discussing my childhood. Something came up that I was not expecting. And it was trauma, it was heavy, and I felt as angry/sad/confused/traumatized as the day it happened. I had no idea I was still carrying this load! What a burden on my soul. It’s beautiful to think that in just a few weeks my soul will no longer be blemished by this unfortunate trauma!
EMDR does come at a cost. I recently told a friend, “it couldn’t hurt” to do EMDR. But I was wrong! Because there are intense side effects. When a new trauma is first accessed it is exhausting and disturbing. Directly after I feel completely drained but I can’t sleep. My sleep is interrupted with intense dreams. I go once a week and it’s fair to say I’m exhausted up until my next appointment. This lasts for multiple sessions until the trauma is mostly processed and it becomes easier every appointment.
I’ve talked to my therapist about what happens in the days following and she has confirmed there can be regression. Regression in behavior when we first start a new trauma. For me this means I retreat. Of course we all have to go out and get things done. But I have an EMDR hangover so everything I do takes energy I don’t have. I tend to retreat into myself and into my house. I find reasons to do as little as possible. Ijust don’t want to leave the house. This is just how my body responds to trauma. According to my therapist I am to, “do what I’ve got to do to feel safe”. So I feel some freedom to just sit with my trauma. Now, of course I force myself to do things that are good for me. But I also realize sometimes the thing that will make me feel safe is to just stay home. Given these feelings are temporary I’m ok with that.
Wow, I’ve made it sound horrible! But when your daily life is burdened and you don’t know why, that’s exhausting too. Being depressed and anxious is no way to live. I have found a solution! We have to dig deep, we have to get in the mud with our issues. I HAVE to do this to get on with my life. I didn’t process the trauma initially so it must be reprocessed. These temporary side effects, while intense, are necessary. I’ve felt the lightness that comes from this process and I know a few weeks of suffering is absolutely worth it in the long run!